


Chest To Floor

by MidwestChopper



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Depressive Episode, Other, Panic Attack, Self Loathing, anxiety attack, but as a brotp more than a sexual/romantic relationship, joelay - Freeform, protective fatherly Geoff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-27
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2018-02-06 10:12:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1854232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidwestChopper/pseuds/MidwestChopper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ray's anxiety gets the better of him. TW/CW for the first chapter for explicit description of the physical, mental, and emotional experiences of an extreme panic/anxiety attack leading into a depressive episode.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TW/CW for explicit description of the physical, mental, and emotional experiences of an extreme panic/anxiety attack leading into a depressive episode. Based on experience, it's different for everyone, BUT if you're triggered by descriptions like this, please go read something else. This first chapter is entirely an extreme panic/anxiety attack. Feel free to skip it once Chapter 2 is posted, since it'll pick up from another POV that isn't in the middle of a breakdown.

Sometimes there were reasons, but more often than not they came out of nowhere.

Ray had been streaming, but towards what he would usually consider the halfway point he could feel himself starting to get more frustrated than usual at small missteps in the game. He'd been tense lately anyway, but not for any specific reason that he could come up with. When the sinking feeling started to hit, he recognized it for what it was and made an excuse to end the stream as quickly as he could. He tried to take deep breaths and calm himself down, but his body wasn't having it.

And then it was upon him.

He couldn't even distinguish his individual heartbeats anymore, there was just a fluttering pain like his heart was vibrating against the front of his chest like it was trying to break its way out.

He drew in a ragged breath and dropped himself from his computer chair to the floor. He wanted to get up, to somehow stop being so pathetic and weak, but he couldn't draw together the emotional resolve it would take to convince his body to **move**.

As he lay there, chest to floor and cheek to carpet, the buzzing in his head reached a frequency that rivaled the one in his chest. Through the sharp white noise, fuzzy thoughts assailed the conscious part of his brain and brought on intermittent stabs of worthlessness and emotional pain that wracked his soul until it felt like he would break from the misery of it all.

Through it, there was a pinprick of rational thought that was fighting the noise, saying things like _You're overreacting to something, once you figure out what it is, you can tackle it and make this stop._ It was always blocked back out by another part, one that would chime in with its own spin on things. _This is the worst it's ever been. What if the guys saw you now? Everything you've worked for would be gone. They'd pity you, you worthless fuck._

The roar in his head had eventually toned down until it was an ache in his bones and a sad, profound tiredness in his soul. At some point during the night, he moved himself to the couch. He was vaguely aware that he'd hit enough buttons to trigger Netflix's auto-play. He watched the screen without really taking anything in. His thoughts sluggishly turned to the idea that he should be enjoying whatever it was, and a hot pressure invaded his eyes when it hit him that he just **couldn't**. He was such a fuckup that not even a show designed to entertain people could make him feel anything.

He let his mind fade back to the blankness it had been before.

Hours passed and the only movement in the apartment was Ray's thumb hitting "Play" on the remote every few episodes, when the program checked in to make sure he was still watching. Suddenly, his phone sprang to life at his desk. As he scraped his nerves from the ceiling, his eyes jumped to the clock on his cable box.

Shit, he was supposed to be at work. He hadn't set his alarm, since he hadn't actually gone to sleep. He supposed the call was from work, trying to find out where he was. Ray knew he couldn't handle hearing the concern in the voice on the line. There was absolutely no reason that he shouldn't get his ass up and go in, but he just **couldn't**. An intense wave of self-loathing washed over him as his phone blipped for the missed call, and he curled back up against the arm of the couch and let himself fall back into the hollow darkness inside of his head.


	2. "The caller you have tried to reach is unavailable at this time."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Geoff worries and Joel remembers. Geoff makes some connections that he never thought he'd have to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You made it to Chapter Two! Congratulations! No trigger/content warnings for this chapter, just an apology for my dialogue writing skills.

"The caller you have tried to reach is unavailable at this time."

Geoff scowled. He thought that someone like Ray would have at least set up his own voicemail system. The youngest Achievement Hunter hadn't shown up for work and everyone had assumed that he'd rush in later, apologizing and sputtering excuses like he usually did when he'd overslept. After an hour, Geoff had called Ray's cell and got the computerized female voice that spoke for the people who hadn't taken the five minutes to set up their voicemail system. He couldn't leave a message, so he made a mental note to call back later.

\-----

When two hours full of bounced back calls had passed and Ray still hadn't showed up or answered, Geoff's fatherly instincts had kicked in and he started thinking of all the bad things that could have happened that would make someone unable to go somewhere OR use a phone. After a montage of different kinds of accidents and diseases had passed behind Geoff's eyes, he started to wonder if he was overreacting. He decided to get something to drink and left the AH office feeling uneasy.

In the hallway that led to the kitchen area, Geoff ran into Joel heading in the same direction. After thinking for a minute, Geoff decided that Joel might be able to talk him out of his worry.

"Hey Joel, you know Ray?"

"The short one, kinda scruffy, glasses? Yeah. Wasn't he streaming some game online last night? I thought he'd be tired of playing games, honestly, since that's all you have him do here."

Geoff raised a skeptical eyebrow as they continued towards the kitchen together. "How do you know he was streaming last night? I didn't exactly get the impression that you two talked that much."

Joel shrugged. "I follow him on Twitter. Sometimes I even read his tweets. It's amazing how that works. But yeah, he always announces his streams a few hours before he goes live."

Geoff made a mental note to pay attention to his Twitter feed. "Well, he's not here today and I can't get a hold of him because he's not answering his phone. He doesn't even have his voicemail set up, so I keep getting that robot message and it's frustrating as dicks, but I also can't stop thinking that maybe something bad happened to him. He always calls in when he's sick or something, but nobody's heard from him."

Joel paused. "You say he always calls in, but now his phone is just ringing through? Remember the early days when I used to do that to you guys?" Joel asked, opening the cabinet above his head to get a glass. "Those were bad days. I had times that I couldn't even leave my bed, let alone answer a phone, get dressed and come to work. And it wasn't even stressful days,  like when we were arguing about new projects or working too hard, it was just a bunch of normal ones. I just sort of freaked out like I was allergic to life or something."

"Yeah, but Ray's not like that and we already knew you had some issues. None of that was new. You're just neurotic, you say it yourself all the time. You've always been Joel, the weird overstressed one." Geoff tried to smile, but the conversation suddenly felt too serious for that. Instead, he opened the fridge and grabbed some juice, not caring which bottle his hand landed on. Joel started talking again as he mixed himself something stronger.

"You don't remember anything else, though? How I was really jumpy some days and I couldn't explain it? How I didn't like to go out to eat because it meant I had to talk to people I didn't know? How new places always freaked me out more than anybody else? It was more than just being too stressed."

Geoff paused for a minute. All that did seem to go beyond "normal Joel". Some of what Joel was saying **did** sound like it might apply to Ray, too, especially the part about going out. He knew that trying to make plans with Ray outside of work was like pulling teeth sometimes, and it seemed like everyone else had the same problem. Even Michael, who had known him longest and best.

Thinking of Michael, an idea came to Geoff. He made a quick decision.

"I've gotta get back to the guys, but I'm gonna need to talk to you in a while, okay?"  
"That's fine, I'll be around." Joel said. Geoff slapped him lightly on the shoulder and went back to the AH office, new thoughts occupying his mind.

\-----

Geoff approached Michael's desk cautiously, too aware of the fact that even though the whole "Rage Quit" thing was just an act, Michael sometimes had trouble coming down from it quickly. "Michael?" he asked, cautiously. "Can I talk to you outside for a minute?"

"Sure, give me a second to close this out." Michael spent a second finishing whatever he had been doing on the editing software and rose to follow Geoff.

Once they were in the hallway with the door closed behind them, Geoff turned to face Michael. "You've known Ray the longest. Has he ever just gone... quiet for a while? Like, has he ever stopped doing things for a while? Maybe you couldn't talk to him?"  
Michael let his eyes roam Geoff's face for a minute before he answered. "That's pretty vague, but yeah.  Before he started here, sometimes I couldn't get a hold of him for a few days. We'd set up times to play Halo or whatever, and then he'd just no-show and I couldn't get him to answer his phone or messages or Skype or Vent or anything. I worried for a while, but he always just said that some things came up and he was sorry, and then we'd go back to whatever. No big deal. Why?"

"No reason." Geoff was a bad liar and Michael knew it.

"No, seriously. What's going on? He's not here and you're asking if he's ever quit on me before. What's happening?"

"Nothing. I'm just trying to make sense of some things. Did he ever tell you what it was that put him out of contact?"

"Nah, and it never seemed that important. It's his life. It's none of my business." Michael opened the door and went back into the office.

Geoff stayed in the hallway for a while, leaning against the wall and thinking. Between Joel actually talking about his old issues and Michael's description of Ray before Roosterteeth, it sounded like Joel and Ray might be more alike than he ever would have thought. He suddenly pushed himself off of the wall, deciding that he would go talk to Joel again a lot sooner than he'd intended.


	3. Warm Blankets and Coke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joel knows best and Ray accepts some help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me a long time to write this chapter, because I was trying really hard to avoid making this story resolve itself like a cheap after-school special. I'm not sure if I managed to do that, but I got it done.

The key in Joel's hand felt strangely heavy. When Geoff found him again and told him that he thought Ray had shut himself in his apartment and "might be like you", Joel was more than confused. He hadn't expected it to turn into a long explanation on his part of how to treat people with extreme anxiety, nor had he expected Geoff to hand him a spare key to Ray's apartment (that he couldn't quite explain having in the first place) and ask him to go help with the situation.

Joel knocked lightly as he twisted the doorknob and pushed the door open as quietly as he could. He didn't expect Ray to answer. He also wasn't surprised to see Ray curled into a ball at the end of his sofa, staring at the television with hollow eyes and still wearing yesterday's clothes.

"Hey." Joel broke the silence quietly, and Ray turned those hollow eyes towards him. "Geoff wanted me to check on you. He's really concerned and he's not so good at dealing with things like... this."

Ray looked a little confused, but didn't say anything. He tugged his sweatshirt around himself and went back to watching the TV. Joel scanned the apartment to see what he was working with.

It was a typical young, single guy's apartment. Basic furniture that was worn but not shabby, a kitchen that looked unused and cluttered with things that definitely weren't edible, and a door off the main room that seemed to lead to Ray's bedroom. The layout was pretty familiar to Joel, since a lot of the other employees lived in the same building. He knew that there was a washing machine and dryer set somewhere near the entryway, and quickly spotted the telltale folding doors.

Joel opened the doors and found that they did in fact hide Ray's laundry stuff. He pulled a blanket from the shelf above and threw it into the dryer. Ray stirred at the sound of the door shutting and turned to watch as Joel punched a couple of minutes into the machine. Noticing the attention, Joel took the opportunity to ask, "Have you eaten anything?" Ray shrugged noncommittally, so Joel made his way to the kitchen.

Joel rifled through the cabinets, which turned out to be pretty empty. He'd heard people joke about Ray bring unable to take care of himself, but what he was seeing made him think there might be more truth to the jokes than anyone knew. There were a few Cup O Noodles packs in one cabinet, some unopened cleaning supplies in another, and a third cabinet had a few boxes of stale cereal. He figured he'd check the fridge instead.

That search yielded better results. There was a twelve-pack of Coke next to some sandwich stuff and a bunch of pizzas in the freezer. As he considered his options the dryer buzzed, so Joel grabbed a can of Coke and pulled the now-warm blanket out of the dryer. He walked over to where Ray sat, draped the blanket over him, and opened the drink. He waited until Ray moved to fix the blanket and then handed him the can, saying "Drink this, it'll help. You need the caffeine and the sugar really won't hurt either." Ray took the can and looked at it for a moment before he took a small sip. He followed that up with another small sip, then a larger one, until he was practically chugging his drink. Joel smiled to himself and went back to the kitchen. He wanted Ray to eat some real food.

\-----

Thirty minutes later, the two men sat on the couch together, Ray slowly eating the sandwich Joel had made for him and Joel flipping through Ray's Netflix to find something better to watch. Ray seemed like he was coming back to himself, he was at least turning down everything that Joel wanted to watch and making a few snarky comments now and then. Joel knew that he needed to talk to Ray, because having a coworker that you barely talked to come to your apartment in the middle of a meltdown probably didn't help anything, no matter how many sandwiches they made you.

"So..." he started, not quite sure where he wanted this to go. "Geoff asked me to come check on you. He got really worried when you didn't show up today. You couldn't call in, could you?" The last bit might have come off a little sarcastically, because Ray immediately bristled.

"I was going to!" Ray said defensively, "I was going to! I just... I..."

"You just couldn't." Joel stated simply. "I know you're not sick." He thought that he might be able to get Ray to open up if he stated the obvious instead of poking at him with the nosy, obvious questions. "You're also not okay."

Ray hung his head a little bit and nodded. "No, I'm not." It seemed like it almost caused him physical pain to say it. He pulled his blanket tighter, like he was trying to hide from what he'd just admitted. "I'm too fucked up for work," he followed. "I'm too fucked up for life."

Joel understood exactly what Ray was saying, in a sad, familiar way. It sounded like what he told himself on his bad days, almost word for word.  "Well, considering that RoosterTeeth hired **me** , you're definitely good enough for work." Joel paused to let his words sink in.

Ray cocked an eyebrow and threw a skeptical look at Joel. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I used to shut myself away in my apartment for days," Joel replied. "I couldn't handle business dinners because I thought that if I freaked out about being in public in front of anyone, it would just prove how shit of a person I was. I thought it would make everyone treat me differently, like I was broken or something." Ray almost looked comforted when Joel finally looked at his face. "Eventually, I had to tell everyone what was going on, since I was missing so much work and so many events. Turns out Burnie has panic attacks, so he kind of got it. He let me do some of my work from home for a while so the office wouldn't overwhelm me when I was bad. Everyone else was surprisingly cool about it, and I know that if you talked to him, Geoff would be willing to work with you. He just needs to know. It's not like he treats me any differently."  
Ray was quiet for a little while, and Joel was wondering if he'd crossed a line when he finally spoke. "I'll think about it."

"Good enough," Joel replied. He knew better than to push it, especially since Ray seemed to be "good" again. They sat quietly for a little while, but it wasn't the tense, uncomfortable silence from earlier. It was more like the silence that friends can share, where nobody **needs** to say anything. Until...

"Joel?" Ray asked quietly.

"Yeah?"

"How did you learn this stuff, like with the blanket and the Coke?"

"My therapist. He says it's important to make sure you're taking care of yourself, so I figured it'd work just as good on someone else. I can give you his number, if you want it."  
"Maybe later. But... could you hang out here for a while? It helps a lot."

"Sure," Joel said. "As long as you need me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with this, readers! It's my first successful multi-chapter story and I think I worked harder on it than on any of my other recent writing. Comments are always nice, and I really appreciate all the kudos you guys have given me. It makes me feel really good about my writing!


End file.
